Losing David

Happy birthday to me...bah humbug!

2012-02-17T13:23:00.003-06:00

Yep, once again, it is my 40-something birthday.

Yipee.

Please read that will all the sarcasm you can muster.

It is now just another day. I feel no joy.

Lately, in fact, I have felt a lot of ANGER. White. Hot. Searing. Anger.

Why is this my life? What did I do to deserve this?

I am entering year 4 without David and I thought by now I'd have plan or a map, on how to navigate through times when I get like this.

No so much.

I am still that dingy floating around without a sail or motor at the mercy of the waves.

And I see that same old rocky shore heading straight for me.

Hello, I'm reality---SLAP!

2012-01-10T08:15:00.002-06:00

Yes, that's right. Once again, reality walked up to me, slapped me and made me its bitch!

I had something in the works that would have meant a huge change in my life. Guess what. Not anymore.

And I am PISSED! Not only pissed that this didn't come to fruition, but also pissed because I an doubting myself. REALLY doubting myself and my abilities.

I have been through four years of HELL and still, I can't catch a break. Just when I think things are on the right track and I am moving in a positive direction, the other shoe drops and I get yanked back to square one.

I had REALLY hoped that 2012 was going to be the year where things started falling back into place for me.

Not so much I guess... :/

2012: A new year. A new start?

2012-01-06T14:36:00.003-06:00

Well here it is....2012.

I got through the holidays fairly whole; I did get into one good crying jag but it felt good to get that crap out.

I had a long list of things I wanted to get done but I was only able to cross off two things: laundry and dishes. Caught up on sleep though, which I REALLY needed.

So six days into the new year and I wonder what it will bring other than year 4 without David.

New house? New job? Lots of travel? Bankruptcy?

I'm not holding out a lot of hope for a lot of change but maybe, just maybe, I'll be pleasantly surprised!

Frustrated!

2011-08-03T09:06:00.002-05:00

It is that time of year again when the students start returning to campus and the new ones arrive for the first time.

I am in charge of our new student orientation and to say that I am frustrated and frazzled is an understatement!

The international students were told to be here by August 1; it is the 3rd and I have not seen nor heard from at least 10 of them. Most went directly to the international student office BEFORE they checked in with me so I don't "officially" know they are here yet.

I've been ripped a new a**hole twice in two days and truthfully, I am REALLY sick of it.

And I have no one to whine to. David can't tell me that is going to be okay and it will be over soon.

God I miss that! He always had a way to make me feel better.

I REALLY need him NOW!

Am I being punished?

2011-07-14T07:36:00.003-05:00

I'm not happy.

There, I said it.

Thought by saying it out loud, it would help.

Not so much.

I feel like I am being punished for something.

Was I a horrible person in a previous life and that is now haunting me in this one?

"They" know I hate being alone....and here I am.

"They" know I like to work hard and be rewarded for a job well done...but once again, work is falling short of my expectations.

"They" know that David was my soul mate...and they saw how good we were together and they decided to end it. Sorry, happiness is not allowed!

Everything just SUCKS right now and I am looking for that light at the end of the tunnel.

Light bulb must be burned out... :(

Amy

2011-07-06T11:48:00.001-05:00

Amy Roan

Amy Roan, 34, of Thayer, died Tuesday, July 5, 2011 at the Greater Regional Hospice Home in Creston. A memorial gathering will be from 6-8 p.m. Thursday, July 7, 2011 at the Rainbow Park in Creston. Online condolences may be given under the obituary category of www.powersfh.com.
Amy Dianne Roan, daughter of Eva Dianne (Perkins) and Gordon Berry was born October 16, 1976 in Creston, Ia. She graduated salutatorian from Creston High School in 1995.
On June 8, 1996, Amy was married to Danial E. Roan, south of Thayer, on her parent’s farm. They lived near Shannon City, and just into Clarke County, before living six years south of Arispe, and in 2005, moving to their current home south of Thayer. Amy was a homemaker and a homeschool teacher. Amy also worked for the Iowa Dept. of Natural Resources, certified to test water in ponds and water ways.
Survivors include her husband, Dan Roan of Thayer; three children, Jesse, Ben and Emma Roan, all of Thayer; her father, Gordy Berry of Thayer; a sister, Tressa (husband Randall) Kline of Portland, Ore.; maternal grandparents, Harris and Eva Perkins of Creston. Amy was preceded in death by her mother, Dianne Berry, and three paternal grandparents D.C. & Jeanie Watts and Keith Berry.

Rest in peace Amy. The pain is gone.

Hard time

2011-06-21T15:42:00.002-05:00

I'm crying at the drop of a hat today.

All through lunch, sitting in my car, I bawled.

I had to leave my office at one point and go hide in the bathroom because I was sobbing.

All it took was someone to mention that David was a great guy and waterworks.

I HATE feeling like this--so helpless and alone!

It has to get better, right?

Grief wave

2011-06-10T08:23:00.002-05:00

I am definitely in one of those "grief" waves.

No matter how hard I try, I feel like that wave is dragging me down to the darkest depths again.

It started on Sunday when I decided to take down Darby's kennel. It was taking up a huge chunk of my kitchen and he really doesn't need it anymore. Both he and Brody have run of the kitchen and my bedroom so it was time to take it down.

It took me AN HOUR to get that stupid thing dismantled. It was bent, it was catching on itself, it was a mess. I got SO mad that I kicked my step stool across the kitchen and managed to put a nice little cut across the top of my right foot in the process. I yelled at David at the top of my lungs: "Why the F*CK did you leave me? WHY WHY WHY???!?!?!"

When I got my composure back, I looked around the house and realized...I have no help anymore. The mess and clutter that is all over is MINE and I don't have David to help me.

*cue tears*

I know that I am a big girl and I should be able to do this stuff on my own but I get so easily frustrated and that leads to anger and then tears and then I feel so stupid for feeling like that!

Since Sunday, it just seems like everything I've done has been a disaster also. My workouts have been derailed; I gained weight; I broke another clothes rack; I can't sleep at night etc etc etc.

I am better now (sort of) but for those few days earlier this week, I just REALLY wanted to pack up the dogs and run away somewhere and just leave the mess, anger and frustration behind.

Maybe I need a vacation?!?!?!

So very true

2011-06-06T15:19:00.001-05:00

Shamelessly borrowed from a fellow widower on one of my lists:

The moment that you died
my heart was torn in two,
one side filled with heartache,
the other died with you.
I often lie awake at night,
...when the world is fast asleep,
and take a walk down memory lane,
with tears upon my cheeks.
Remembering you is easy,
I do it everyday,
but missing you is heartache
that never goes away.
I hold you tightly within my heart
and there you will remain

Truer words were never spoken!

Another dream

2011-06-01T14:01:00.002-05:00

I saw David again last night.

He was preparing to do a sky dive (okay, like THAT would never happen!) and he was all dressed in the gear with the parachute on his back.

My brain said, "he's not here anymore" and poof, he was gone. Just like that. Disappeared.

Why is it that you can go along for awhile and things are good! The road isn't too bumpy and you feel like you are making progress and them BLAMO--huge rut in the road takes you out. It isn't fair!!!

I'm really hating the widow thing today... :(

Reminders

2011-05-20T12:57:00.003-05:00

On Monday of this week, I was reminded that there are others that miss David as much as I do.

I had to call for technical support for a student. I asked the person if they had known David and he said yes. I said I was his wife and he said: "David was one of the nicest and most helpful people I have ever met. He is really missed around here."

cue tears

Then I went to one of our favorite restaurants (which I hadn't visited in about 6 months) and one of the waitresses grabbed his ring around my neck and said: "I miss his hugs. He was such a big teddy bear."

cue more tears

Sometimes I forget that even though I lost my soul mate, other people lost a good friend and that can hurt just as much.

A poem that speaks to me

2011-05-13T12:08:00.001-05:00

Another widow friend posted this and it brought tears to my eyes.

You can shed tears that he is gone or you can smile because he has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back or you can open your eyes and see all he's left.

Your heart can be empty because you cant see him or you can be full of the loved you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him only that he is gone or you can cherish his memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty, and turn your back or you can do what he'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

David Harkins

Feeling really blue

2011-05-09T09:01:00.002-05:00

I haven't felt good since I had my fitness assessment. Without going into too much detail, it involves my stomach and my colon. Use your imagination.

Over the weekend, I had a weepy session. I don't even remember what triggered it but there I was, bawling my eyes out for a good hour and a half. And then the hiccups and the shortness of breath kicked in and I thought I was on my way to a full blown panic attack. Thank goodness that didn't happen.

I'm sure that feeling sick made it worse because I HATE BEING SICK ALONE!!!!!!

I was awake half the night last night so I feel like shit today. All I want to do is go home, crawl into bed and cover my head and come out again when this feeling goes away.

Can I?????

From Fat to Fit 12 week challenge

2011-05-03T13:25:00.003-05:00

In April, I applied to be a part of a program at our local fitness club called From Fat to Fit. It is a 12-week program in which you get to work with a trainer, get weight and food counseling, and all sorts of goodies.

I wasn't chosen :(

But...I was given the option of participating at a reduced rate.

So I DID IT!!!!!

I had my assessment yesterday and truthfully, I was embarrassed at how much I have let myself go. I couldn't ride the sit down elliptical machine for longer than 5 minutes but they did tell me that I have good flexibility and posture.

My plan is to work with Stephanie 1x a week strength training and do water aerobics 2x a week. I hope that by mid-summer, I can work up to 2x a week with Stephanie.

I also get to participate in a nutrition/weight loss conference call once a week for 8 weeks.

I have to say that it was hard for me to walk into the fitness center yesterday because David wasn't with me. But, I did it and I will continue to do it because as much as I love and miss him, I am just NOT ready to join him yet!!!

It has been three years

2011-04-07T15:25:00.002-05:00

Yesterday marked the three year sadiversary of David's passing.

I did okay...really!

I took the day off work and slept late, I ate lunch at my favorite restaurant and made one of my favorite suppers-marinated steak.

A few tears were shed but nothing like in the last two years.

One of my widow friends posted a link to quotes about death and this one by Henry Miller just jumped off the page because it is EXACTLY what he believed:

Of course you don't die.
Nobody dies.
Death doesn't exist.
You only reach a new level of vision,
a new realm of consciousness,
a new unknown world.

He hasn't been around lately so I'd like to think he's exploring that new world.

Still miss him but it is getting easier to carry the grief around.

Not a happy camper

2011-02-16T11:09:00.003-06:00

Once again, life has become a pain in the butt and I am not happy...at all...with anything!

Okay, let me back up. I am happy (for the most part) that I have a job, a place to live, friends and puppies that love me.

Otherwise, life sucks. My energy level is in the toilet and is about to be flushed away.

I saw my gyn surgeon (the gal who did my hystie) and surgery is out of the question. My anatomy, thanks to radiation, is all screwy and it would be dangerous to try to correct the problem that way. So, I'm taking a reduced amount of Provera, which is working, but still...I DON'T WANT TO BE ON PROVERA FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

She also told me that I need to talk with my GP about blood pressure medication. One of the lovely side effects of Provera is elevated blood pressure. So, I go on Thursday and I fully anticipate coming out with ANOTHER prescription medicine to take daily.

I have made several half-hearted attempts to work on the weight thing but I just set myself up for failure and, truth to tell, I am SICK of trying. It was so much "easier" when David was here because we could do it TOGETHER and he understood how hard it is to lose weight.

I feel like I'm in a hole and I am looking up to daylight with no way to get there.

*sigh*

Sixteen years ago today...

2011-01-27T08:11:00.004-06:00

Happy anniversary baby. Got you on my mind.

Today would have been our 16 year anniversary. We were married in an ice storm. It was a mess but I didn't care. I was marrying my best friend.

So tonight, I'm going to take myself out to dinner at my favorite restaurant and remember all the good times we had together and wish that you were still here to make more.

I love you Bahr! xoxo

Feeling lost

2011-01-23T18:47:00.002-06:00

It has been awhile.

I wish that I could say that since my last post, I haven't cried, I've lost 20 pounds and I've found the secret to being happy again.

Not so much.

I still cry most every day because I just feel so lost without David.

I've gained 20 pounds because of crappy medicine I'm taking that I shouldn't HAVE to take since I had a hysterectomy almost two years ago!

The secret to being happy again? Not a clue!

I feel more lost than ever lately. Nothing seems to make sense in my life and I really thought that by now, something would!

I hate winter yet I live in the Midwest. I wish that I had the guts to move...but I don't.

On a brighter note, I made it through Christmas and New Year and 11 days off work without going insane.

I wish someone could tell me when I am going to stop feeling lost!!!!!

A great Christmas present

2010-12-20T19:14:00.002-06:00

I didn't feel like cooking tonight so I went to my favorite BBQ place and got take out.

As I was waiting for my food, one of the managers, Tammy, came running out of the dining room and threw her arms around me and gave me a HUGE hug.

She said: "I just wanted to say Merry Christmas. I know this is a hard time of year for you and I am thinking about you and hoping that you can find one small thing that makes you happy this year!"

And she hugged me again and I had to fight hard to keep the tears at bay.

That one little gesture is making me feel like maybe I can get through this holiday.

This weekend in 2007

2010-12-19T12:34:00.002-06:00

It is a rare thing that I can remember something that happened almost three years ago when I can't tell you what I ate for dinner last night.

This weekend in 2007, David decided we were going to bake Christmas cookies...and it was the last time we got to do that together.

I remember he woke up about 11:30, came "running" out of the bedroom like a little kid and announced that we were going to bake! He went to the basement and got the Christmas cookbook bin and we went through about a thousand recipes and came up with 6 cookies to bake. After a trip to the store, we were ready.

We started at 2:00 and finished at midnight. We have TONS of containers of cookies and all the mixing bowls we owned were in the sink.

I think it was one of the best time we ever had together...and I am sad today that I can't ever do that again with him.

:(

Why can't I be someone else?

2010-12-18T19:23:00.003-06:00

I don't like me right now. I don't like who I am.

This isn't a new feeling; I have felt it creeping up on me for the last few months.

I felt it for the first time I got my first real paying job.

1984, Minneapolis. I was just employed as an office assistant for a law firm. The day I got the job, I went out and bought the uniform: a 3 piece dark blue suit with several different colored shirts, rosette ties and two pair of pumps; one flat and one with a low heel.

As I stood at the bus stop with all my parcels, I looked around and saw a group of kids about my age dressed like Dexy's Midnight Runners. I remember thinking "wow...those guys are really cool! They aren't afraid to be themselves!" And here I was ready to accept a life that required me to be dressed like every other executive in the downtown Minneapolis area. A nameless, faceless automaton.

I went home and cried that night. I was sure I had made a mistake in taking that job.

Fast forward 26 years and here I am again with this feeling.

I don't like where I am in life.

This is not where I saw myself at 40-something... and I never saw myself as a widow.

Problem is, the small changes I have tried to make leave me feeling like I am dishonoring David's memory. Part of me feels like I I shouldn't change one bit the person that I was with him.

The wheels are spinning, the rut is getting deeper, and I am just plain stuck.

I Stood By Your Bed

2010-12-16T16:34:00.001-06:00

Shamelessly stolen from Boo...

I stood by your bed

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.

I could see that you were crying,

You found it hard to sleep.

I whispered to you softly as you brushed away a tear,

"It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."

I was close to you at breakfast,

I watched you pour the tea,

You were thinking of the many times your hands reached out to me.

I was with you at the shops today, Your arms were getting sore.

I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.

I gently put my hand on you, I smiled and said "it's me."

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.

I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.

It's possible for me to be so near you everyday.

To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew ...

In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is almost over...

I smile and watch you yawning and say "goodnight, I'll see you in the morning."

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,

I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.

Be patient, live your journey out ... then come home to be with me

- Author Unknown

Post-cruise meltdown

2010-12-15T09:29:00.002-06:00

I had a WONDERFUL four day cruise with my old roommate W and her daughter J. The weather could have been a little warmer but it was still nice to get away from home.

On the way home, the flight was delayed from Ft. Lauderdale. We arrived in Memphis with only minutes to get from one terminal to another. I made it--barely--huffing and puffing the whole way.

Once the plane door closed, I had one of "those" moments...the moment that sucks the breath out of your lungs. I realized that David was gone, that there was no one waiting for me at home and that I'd taken another vacation without him.

And the tears started. Luckily, the lights were off so I just pulled up my hood and had a good cry.

To make matters worse, I put on my iPod and all the songs that were coming up were HIS songs!

*sigh*

Sooooo TIRED

2010-12-01T12:48:00.003-06:00

Physically, mentally, to the bone TIRED!

I just had four days off work for the Thanksgiving holiday and I feel like I didn't sleep at all.

I wake up tired and achy. That alarm goes off at 6:30 and I just want to throw it across the room! I am in bed by 9:30 so I shouldn't be tired!!!

I feel like I haven't slept in a month--just like I did right after David died.

I just physically feel like I can't do anything.

And I REALLY hate this feeling because there are things I want to do like get into an exercise routine; cook meals at home; clean and reorganize the house.

I work all day and go home and fall face down in my bed from exhaustion. I have even fallen asleep in that position for a couple of hours!

Tests have been done--nothing is wrong.

So, what the hell?!?!?!?

Money matters

2010-11-22T15:25:00.002-06:00

I came to a realization over the weekend---I still have ALL the same bills David and I had as a couple and now, I have only 1/3 the income I used to.

OUCH!

Time to get out the scissors, cut up the plastic and pear down the bills.

First to go is probably going to be Digital Plus (channels like BBC America, Nat Geo, History Int'l etc) and the Internet at home. Those two are costing me almost $65 a month.

Next is probably going to be my home phone. It is only $30 a month but I have my cell phone and it works just fine. I am probably going to dump unlimited texting and see if I can change my basic package to something cheaper. That is costing me $90/month.

Finally, going to check into refinancing the house. My mortgages are somewhere in the 6.5% range and I know the rates are MUCH lower than that now. I've heard they come into the house and do a bunch of measuring. Not really comfortable with this, especially with the upstairs looking like a tornado went through!

But I have to do something! I am going through my savings like it is growing on a tree!

Why I don't eat at home

2010-11-15T13:03:00.002-06:00

I couldn't have explained it better myself:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/cook_home

Mike and Molly

2010-11-11T08:10:00.002-06:00

CBS has done a wonderful thing--they have produced a comedy about people of size who find love at the Overeaters Anonymous meeting.

Despite some self-deprecating humor and the requisite fat jokes, the show is good. I DVR it every week.

Monday night's episode was about Mike's snoring and his use of a C-PAP. Memories of my elbowing David to stop snoring, to adjust his mask, to tighten it because it was whistling all flooded back into my brain and the tears just started.

I cried for an hour straight.

I look like warmed over death this morning.

And, I miss David something fierce today... :(

Major meltdown

2010-10-20T09:48:00.003-05:00

I bought an iPad yesterday. My first trip into the world of Apple. I was so excited to get home and get it all charged and ready to go.

And then...disaster.

I tried to connect to my wireless at home...and it asked for a password. A what?!?!?! I don't need a password for the other computers in the house! What the hell?!?!

So I started up the desk top computer and I search, in vain, for something that will give me the password to the router. David set it up with a theme and I tried for almost an hour to come up with a password that fit the theme.

Nada.

I could feel the frustration rising and then....KABLAM! The waterworks started. Not just tears, but sobs...body wracking sobs...the kind I haven't had since the first night alone without David.

I screamed at him for leaving me!

WHY didn't I listen to him when he was trying to teach me about this stuff? WHY does computer stuff have to be so damned difficult?

Guess where my MRI results were?

2010-10-15T11:25:00.002-05:00

Aw, c'mon...just take one wild guess. I'll wait!

Ok, give up!

IN MY EFFING DOCTOR'S OFFICE HERE IN TOWN!!!!!

WHY have they been sitting there for TWO WEEKS?

Because:
1). Her nurse hurt her foot and had to have surgery and they didn't see any need to assign her a temp nurse until TODAY! ----and----

2). OB-GYN docs in this town work in the office like one half day a week! All of them! Seriously! You have to book your annual exam SIX TO EIGHT MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!! So my doc was out ALL of last week and ALL of this week until today.

On a bright note, she said that the MRI didn't look abnormal so that is some good news...I hope.

EFFING doctors!

2010-10-13T15:20:00.003-05:00

I STILL don't know anything and now, my MRI results are in the wind!

They are not here. They are not there. They are not ANYWHERE Sam I am!!!

And, to top it all off---my doctor here isn't in until FRIDAY!

So, once again, I have to sit here and wait and be patient. Anyone who knows me knows that is NOT one of my strong points.

This is bordering on the ridiculous now!

A bittersweet memory

2010-10-12T12:41:00.002-05:00

While getting lunch today, I had the opportunity to drive by the courthouse. As I did, I noticed people standing out front snapping pictures of a happy couple who were just married.

They were all smiles and exchanging hugs and kisses.

It reminded me of the day David and I stood outside in the freezing January weather to snap a few after we got married.

I had to pull over in a parking lot and let the tears come.

I miss him so much!!!!

Still in limbo

2010-10-11T18:58:00.002-05:00

I STILL don't know anything about what Dr. Turner wants to do!

Friday, I got a message from one of her PA's saying that the pap smear came back clear so that is good news.

Bad news--they don't have the MRI results yet! WHAT?!?!?! They were supposed to have them Tuesday or Wednesday. Do you think they called? Hell no!

It is times like this that I wish I had David here because he would be hounding people to get it done.

I feel like I am slipping between the cracks and I am NOT going to let that happen. At 8:05 tomorrow, I am calling her office and demanding to know what we are going to do. I have things to do, places to go and people to see.

I am tired of putting my life on hold!

Didn't get the job

2010-09-29T10:18:00.002-05:00

Just heard this morning that I didn't get the job I applied for. They called all of my references AND my department chair. I pretty much thought I had it in the bag.

Oops...there I go again--counting my chickens before they hatch!

I would love to say that I am not affected by it but that would be a lie.

I am not a happy camper right now.

I was SO looking forward to a new challenge and a way out of the current situation that I am in. Nope, not happening this time.

I'll keep looking but my confidence is pretty shaken right now.

The "C" word

2010-09-25T20:00:00.002-05:00

I met with the surgeon that did my hysterectomy on Friday. She did an exam and decided that I need an MRI, a PET scan and a CT scan before we decide on a course of action.

I'm not freaked out by all the tests she's ordered--what freaked me out was that she kept dropping the "C" word all over the place. The "C" word being CANCER.

Since this whole mess started, I haven't thought about the chance that the cancer has returned. My GYN here did a biopsy that came back negative but my surgeon did a bunch more "just to make sure."

I drove home pretty shaken and along the way, I stopped to eat lunch. That started a chain reaction of a binge like I've never seen before. Chocolate, Cheetos, Slim Jims...I don't remember it all. I zoned out and just ate. When it was over, I felt like absolute crap. Still do. Lesson learned.

So I am assuming that sometime in the next three weeks I will be back under the knife. If it is as minor as a D & C or as major as an open abdomen is yet to be determined.

So, stay tuned for the next chapter of the soap opera called My Life!

Job interview

2010-09-22T12:22:00.003-05:00

This morning at 9:00 am, I did something I haven't done since April of 2004---interviewed for a new job on campus. It is doing pretty much the same thing I do now for A LOT more pay and a higher classification.

I know there is no promotion possibility here for me but I am not sure I am ready to leave the "comfort and safety" of my current situation.

I'm concerned about what may happen if they say they want to offer me the job and then I have to say sure but I need to have surgery and be out for x-number of weeks. Is it fair of me to do that to them? Will they still hire me?

Again I have to ask--why is it every time I think things are heading in a good and right direction that SOMETHING has to come up from the past and bite me in the ass?

Here we go again!

2010-09-20T14:39:00.002-05:00

Saw my GYN on Friday--I have two "cysts"; one about 4 cm and one about 3 cm just above where my cervix is--YES--I STILL HAVE PART OF MY CERVIX! The thing that started this odyssey 8 years ago is still living inside me!

Had another bad weekend with heavy bleeding and a fever. I just love being stressed to the point of running a fever!

So, I am going to see my surgeon on Friday. My guess is that she will order at CT or MRI to see what we are dealing with and then I'll be off to surgery.

Canceled the cruise so I am out the cost of the airline tickets. Luckily, I purchased travel insurance so I will get 100% refunded on the cost of the cruise. PHEW!

When the hell am I going to catch a break???!?!?!?!

Still having issues

2010-09-16T17:52:00.003-05:00

Yep, still bleeding. Ended up in the hospital early Monday morning because I was passing clots the size of my fist.

Fun.

Not!

Started again this morning and am now on Provera.

Seeing the doctor and having an ultrasound tomorrow.

When am I going to catch a break???!?!?!?!?!

What the F**K!?!?!?!

2010-09-07T19:37:00.003-05:00

***WARNING*** This post is going to deal with women's stuff. Men...turn away!

I woke up last Tuesday morning bleeding. Yes, that's right...bleeding. Didn't think that was supposed to happen after a hysterectomy.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Saw my OB on Friday and she said it looks like I still have a small portion of my cervix. WHAT?!?!?! I thought they got rid of that way back in 2002.

Apparently, I was wrong...again.

She said that there was a small opening where the va-jay jay and the cervix are meeting up. She did a biopsy and the flood gates opened. Flash back to January of 2009 in the hospital when I woke up in a pool of blood.

Yes, that's right--another cyst formed in that same area.

Having an ultra sound on the 17th and will know more then. May need to have another out patient surgery to correct this problem.

Again I say...What the FUCK?!?!?!?!?!

Addendum: the biopsy came back today (9-8-10) and there are NO CANCER CELLS present! Woooo-hoooooo!!!!!! So now we know what it ISN'T!!!

Happy Labor Day sweetie

2010-09-06T15:35:00.001-05:00

Wherever you are, I know that you are firing up the grill so you can make your traditional burgers and brats for the last blow out of the summer.

Just wish you were HERE doing it.

*sigh*

One giant leap!

2010-08-27T11:42:00.002-05:00

My fingers trembled as I sat staring at the screen

"Do you want to submit this application?" it asked.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.

As I hit Enter, I realized that I just took another giant leap in my widow's journey...

I applied for a new job!

August 8-15, 2010

2010-08-15T18:02:00.002-05:00

This week has been something of a nightmare.

Between Sunday, August 8 and Tuesday, August 10, we received almost 15" of rain. I was awakened Wednesday morning at 5:00 am by CODE RED, an emergency notification system, alerting me to massive flooding in the area.

All I had to do was walk to my basement to see the disaster up close. I had 3-4" of water in my basement, the most I have ever had. After a couple of phone calls, a friend brought over her wet-vac and away we went. It took us about 4 hours to get the standing water out and for the rest of the day, I vacuumed up the seepage and ran all of my fans.

When I called into work to tell them about my water, they said I wouldn't have been able to get into work anyway--all the roads between them and me were closed. Then a boil order was issued for us--there were water main breaks UNDER the flood water. Luckily, I had two gallons in my fridge and my friend brought me two more.

On Thursday, the University CLOSED but I went in to see if there was anything that I could do. We were in the middle of our first week of new student orientation and the schedule was going to have to be revised in a major way. After that, I got groceries--stuff that didn't need to have water (read peanut butter, jelly and tuna) and filled up my gas tank. I seriously thought about throwing the dogs in the car and heading out of town. But with more rain forecast, I didn't want to come back to a bigger mess than I left.

Friday--back to work but still on water conservation. If I hear the saying "If it is yellow, let it mellow" one more time, I am going to stab whomever is saying it with a fork! My basement is mostly dry--a few corners are a little wet so I let the fans run overnight. The storms that were forecast went south of us--YES!!!!

Saturday--took a drive to see the damage and there is a lot of it. It smells horrible and everything is black from the mud. At 2:00, they removed the conservation order so we could do laundry, flush and take showers longer than 5 minutes. Still on a boil order but still no more rain!!!

Sunday--at 4:00 the boil order was lifted! I did laundry, ran the dishwasher empty and ran my hot water heater out of hot water to clear out all the "bad" water.

It really amazes me how far I have come in two years. During the flood of July 2008, I only had a small amount of water and I freaked out. This week, I took a step back and figured out what I needed to do and got it done with the help of a great friend. Someone on the radio said that we just had to make a small lifestyle adjustment--most of us were still in our homes, had electricity and air, and were sleeping in our own beds, unlike many people just south of us. That statement really hit home with me. I was just a little inconvenienced. Friends had 2-4 feet of water in their basements. They have lost their mechanicals and possessions. I lost some empty boxes.

This whole experience has made me realize that I am a lot stronger than I give myself credit for. Maybe I will make it after all....

Suicide is NOT painless!

2010-07-29T12:48:00.003-05:00

I had a very scary Facebook message on Tuesday. It was from one of my widower friends. He'd been very quite over the weekend and I messaged him and asked if he was okay.

He said he was in a bad place and was legitimately considering suicide.

I freaked!

Through a few more messages, I found out that he's been sick and is in physical pain. He feels like he's at the end of his rope (and a burden on his friends) and the only way to regain his honor is through death.

I told him that was a bunch of BS. Suicide is THE MOST SELFISH way to die EVER!

I told him there were so many of us out here that considered him a good friend. I reminded him about his mom and how she would react if he harmed himself.

I heard nothing in return.

I freaked...again!

Finally today, he posted something about it so I know he is still alive.

WHEW! Now, I just need to get him to open up and talk about what he's feeling.

Wish me luck!!!

I am STILL mad at David!

2010-07-14T11:39:00.002-05:00

The last two days have been straight out of HELL!

Earlier this year, I took on additional job duties because of a retirement in our department. Until Monday, everything was running smoothly. At 2:45, one of our new incoming students dropped by for a visit. She is visually impaired so we wanted to talk with her about what accommodations we would need to make. I needed to be someplace about 30 miles south of here at 4:30 and I was sure that getting off work at 4:00 would get me there in plenty of time. She announced that the bus was was picking her UP at 4:30.

So, I had to wait with her in front of the building until the bus arrived, LATE, to make sure she got on the right one. If I didn't have to be someplace, I wouldn't have minded, but there was another person in our meeting who conveniently got up at 3:45 and sprinted out of the room so that she didn't have to be responsible for this student.

Needless to say I was a half an hour late to my appointment.

Yesterday, same thing. I needed to be at a place out of town, only 5 miles or so this time, by 5:00. I didn't get out of the office until 4:30. On my way home, I realized that I needed to stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescriptions before I went home to let the dogs out.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I yelled--I HATE THIS!!!! WHY DID YOU DIE ON ME! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME ALONE TO DO ALL OF THIS!!!!!!! YOU KNOW I HATE DEALING WITH THESE INCOMPETENT CLOWNS!

I felt better, for the moment. I composed myself and went into the pharmacy where they tried to charge me $300 for a three month supply of a medicine that is usually FREE...IF it is run through insurance correctly, which it wasn't. So I had to stand there for TEN MINUTES and explain to them that if you run THIS one through first, THIS one is free.

Needless to say, I was 15 minutes late for my appointment.

Today, I am a little better...but I KNOW it will be short-lived. *sigh*

Will I ever be able to move on?

2010-07-12T09:16:00.002-05:00

I spent a good part of the weekend wondering if I was ever going to be able to move on. What I mean by that is--will I ever be able to find love again? Will I be stuck here until I retire? Do I have the nerve to get out there and start over again?

I find myself thinking about what it would be like to find love again. I think about it and then I get extremely mad at myself and I feel guilty for even thinking such a thing. David was the love of my life--he was my soul mate! Why should I even give a second thought to another man in my life?

When I was sick, we talked about the "what ifs" and one of the things I told him was that I wanted him to find someone to love him. He said the same thing to me. I know he doesn't want me moping around for the rest of my life. But I can't get past the guilty feeling I have every time I think about looking for someone new!

Right after David died, I was bound and determined to get the hell out of this town and start a new life. Now, two years down the road, I am glad that I didn't make that hasty of a decision. This town feel safe; I have a doctor that I love, a dentist that is great, a mechanic that knows me by name. Those are things that I need right now so I am glad that I stayed. I still watch the want ads for something new though.

Will this guilty feeling ever go away so that I can live again???

WHY is it up to me?

2010-07-06T13:56:00.002-05:00

It has been months since I have had the chance to get together with some of my friends. I ran into one at the grocery store recently. I said that we should get together and she said, "Call me--you have my number!" as she walked away.

Since David died, *I* have to do all of the arranging, all of the calling, all of the work to see people who say they are my friend.

Then WHY can't THEY pick up the phone and call ME for dinner or coffee?

What the hell is that all about????

21 years ago today

2010-06-29T08:20:00.002-05:00

Twenty-one years ago today, my future was changed forever.

I was working at C.O.M.B/Cable Value Network (now QVC) as the main switchboard receptionist. I loved my job and it had some great promotion potential. I wasn't working on commission anymore so I was paying off my credit card bills and I had a nice apartment. I was in good shape.

I was making payments on a Chevy S-10 pick up truck through GMAC Financing. Apparently, so was another gal whose name was similar to mine. Except she stopped making her payments and not once, but TWICE, they repossessed MY truck. Each time they returned it, they apologized and said that it wouldn't happen again.

WRONG!

Earlier in this week 21 years ago, I came out of work to go to lunch and my truck was gone. I called GMAC and asked what the hell was going on. They told me my truck had been repossessed for non-payment of loan. Once again, I had to explain that they had screwed up but they were adamant that they were right. Luckily, I had my check book with me, as well as the stub for the most recent payment I'd made a week or so before. I found a ride out to GMAC and showed them all of this. They STILL didn't believe me. That was the last straw. I emptied out the truck of my personal belongings and said they could have it back. "We'll sue!" they yelled as I walked out. I turned and told them to kiss my ass!

As we drove back, I realized that C, my friend's boyfriend, was driving a little too fast. I also remember thinking that if the flat bed truck in front of us stopped quickly, I'd be decapitated. That is pretty much all I remember before waking up in a ditch. According to the car behind us, we attempted to move into the center lane at the same time as another car and we swerved back and he over corrected. I was thrown out of the car as it rolled down the embankment end over end. I ended up with a broken pelvis, broken humerus, torn medial collateral ligament in my knee and a gash across the small of my back.

9 1/2 weeks later, I was released from the hospital with a lawyer handling my case. GMAC came calling with the claim that I still owed them money on the truck they had just sold at auction. My lawyer said they were going to be lucky if I didn't sue them for everything that happened to me. I almost did.

I did receive an insurance settlement from C's insurance company because he was under insured. I bought a new Blazer, moved to Iowa and went back to school.

Every June 29th, I think about what happened and realize that out of one of the darkest times of my life, something good came. I returned to school, got my degrees and met David.

So thank you GMAC Financing for being such HUGE assholes. You actually made me the happiest girl in the world!

Things I want to tell you

2010-06-28T11:58:00.002-05:00

One of the things that I miss most is being able to share the everyday little things with David. I miss talking to him--telling him about my day and hearing about his.

I want to tell him:

--that my hometown is under water again. They had 6" of rain over the weekend. Major flooding, worse that 1993, is expected. All the roads in are under water--how the hell am I going to get there????

--we had a little water in our basement again. Nothing like 2008, but enough that I had to vacuum a couple of times.

--that our favorite coffee shop is now a pizza place. No more sitting outside and enjoying the air with a good cuppa.

--I don't know what to do with Cody's ashes. He is still sitting in the plastic box they sent him home in.

--that I have been daydreaming a lot lately about the days I spent at a friend's cabin in northern Minnesota during the summer. It was great to have that much fresh air to breathe in and nothing else to do except go out on the lake. I think I need a vacation!

--that I may actually see my sister on Friday! (if he wasn't already gone, hearing this would do him in for sure!)

--that I volunteered the garage for a sale in August. Am I nuts?

--that sometimes Darby and Brody stop and look at the same corner Cody used to look at. Are they looking at you?

--that Ancestry.com has made land ownership atlases available and he could see all the land his family owned in Illinois.

--that I didn't feel very good on Saturday and could have used a good cuddle.

--that D got home safely from Ireland.

*sigh* Why aren't you here so I can talk to you????

Reality Bites...again!

2010-06-21T09:25:00.003-05:00

Weekends suck. Period. I hate them. I used to live for them. Now I detest the time I spend getting through them.

Yesterday, I was reminded why they suck so much.

I catch up on the programs I have taped during the week. One of them is Rick Steve's Europe.

Saturday, he went to Provence. A place that David and I always wanted to go together.

BLAM--right up beside the head--he's gone and now you won't EVER be able to go there with him...E V E R!!!!!!

I squirmed in my chair when they started talking about Cote du Rhone wine, one of David's favorites. I looked over at his chair, expecting him to be there salivating and saying that he needed to make a trip to the store for some.

NOTHING. EMPTY. LONELY.

Bite me reality!!!!

Missing You

2010-06-15T12:25:00.000-05:00

Since you've been away
I've been down and lonely
Since you've been away
I've been thinking of you
Trying to understand
The reason you left me
What were you going through?

I'm missing you
Tell me why the road turns
Ooh ooh ooh
I'm missing you
Tell me why the road turns

As I look around
I see things that remind me
Just to see you smile
Made my heart fill with joy
I'll still recall
All those dreams we shared together
Where did you run to, boy?

I'm missing you
Tell me why the road turns
Ooh ooh ooh
I'm missing you
Tell me why the road turns

Sometimes I've wondered
I didn't understand
Just where you were trying to go
Only you knew the plan
And I tried to be there
But you wouldn't let me in

But now you've gone away boy
I feel so broken hearted
I knew the day we started
That we were meant to be
If only you'd let me!
I've cried so many tears
Gotta face now all my fears
We let time slip away
I need you boy
Here today!

There was so much you gave me
To my heart
To my soul
There was so much of your dreams
That were never told
You had so much hope
For a brighter day
Why were you my flower
Plucked away

I'm missing you
Tell me why the road turns
Ooh oohooh
I'm missing you
Tell me why the road turns

~Diana Ross

Family Guy does it again!

2010-06-11T09:35:00.002-05:00

I watch a lot of television these days and Family Guy is still one of my favorites.

I can still hear David laughing.

Last night as I was lying in bed, the episode where Peter, Quagmire, Joe and Cleveland are stranded on an island and given up for dead was on.

They city mourned their loss and shortly thereafter, Lois had married Brian. Eventually, the guys are rescued and in he walks to a very surprised Lois.

In the past, I've laughed at the absurdity of the whole thing but last night, all I could think about is what would happen if David walked back into my front door now?

Would I run into his arms without so much as a second thought?
Would I throttle him for putting me through two years of hell?
Would I just there, too stunned to even move?

Wish that I could find out....

Migraine city

2010-06-08T15:50:00.002-05:00

Woke up this morning with a migraine. Luckily, I had Excedrin Migraine in the cupboard.

Took it and went back to bed with ice packs on my neck and eyes...and dreamed.

I dreamed that David and I were separated and on our way to a divorce.

I was seeing a friend of his.

No effing way would that ever happen!

I HATE dreams like that!

In my head

2010-06-03T12:32:00.002-05:00

I saw this in another widow's blog and it is EXACTLY spot on! So, I edited some of her thoughts to reflect my own experiences:

-+-+-+-+-+-

if you were in my head, this is what you would hear ….bear with it as it comes w/o breathing in between so try and read it that way …haha!!

OH MY GOD, yesterday sucked….and today sucks kinda too…and what’s with this damn, rainy weather?!…I really miss David….I’m really pissed at David…..I wonder if David is in the room with us right now???………I don’t wanna cook……….but I need to eat ……I wish I had money to hire a cook and a maid……….I just wish I had money……..do I pay off the house or keep paying for the tax break? ...............was that a good decision?………definitely not………..but I don’t care………I think i lost my ability to give a crap about other people’s feelings………..shit, I'm out of toilet paper again ..... I hate grocery shopping………..I wanna cry………..I wanna laugh………..I wanna drink the biggest margarita on Earth………....I miss David……………man, he got off easy………..WHY DON”T MY DOGS LISTEN THE FIRST 20x I TELL THEM SOMETHING???????????………………..I seriously think I am losing my mind………….so this is what it feels like to implode…………..am I ready to date yet???………….now who’s calling??…………….maybe if I just don’t answer the phone I don’t ever have to talk to them again………………damn, I don’t think that’s going to work…………………is it time for bed yet?………………..my life is insane……….I feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders today…………..I miss David……………damn him……………..wow, that guy is hot!……………..hmmmmmmmmmm, should I dye my hair again?…………….how much $$ do I need to pay bills this month?…………..what can I get away with not paying?………………there’s nothing good on TV………………my life sucks…………….I love my dogs; I am glad that I adopted them even thought I didn't think I was ready to…………..I AM BORED! ………………this isn’t good……………..I need something exciting to happen to keep me motivated………….that’s just trouble………..why do I want things/people I shouldn’t and can’t have??…………….I need to re-think that decision………..I am TIRED of grieving…………..I'm just tired……………..I wish I liked my job more……….why exactly do I have a degree if I’m not using it??…………….I wish I could make that happen again……………what’s going to happen in the next 2 weeks? months? years? decades?………….is the world going to end?………….how long can I go without paying that?…………I MISS David ………..I want to talk to David SO BADLY…………I have a million questions for him like how the hell did you set up the wireless router……………I keep losing the Internet on the laptop--do I need to get a new router? ...........that didn’t make sense……………….nothing makes sense anymore……………..is it possible to ever really move on?……………..who are my real friends?…………….Do I want to go on a date??………….no I don’t………….I think maybe I want to get married again some day……………..no i don’t……………I wish I could afford a ranch house of my own………..how long can my life go on like this?………………I need to lose weight…………I need to start exercising again…………..I should eat less………..I need a new laptop ……..I need a new wardrobe………….my lawn needs mowing………..did I remember to bring the garbage cans back from the curb? ………..I miss David……….looking at photos of him hurts………….I'm so confused……………can I afford that?………….I feel emotionally bankrupt…………..this doesn’t make sense…………..I love my new puppies……………if I didn’t have my dogs, I'd be dead…………..why can’t I think straight?!…………….I need new tennis shoes......... I want to go shopping…………..does everyone feel the way I do?………….does anyone understand?…………..I feel completely alone and lost……………I need to be careful about the decisions I make so I don’t make the same mistakes I did in the past………………dammit…………….shit……………….fuck……………..alright, it’s not that bad……………yes it is……………am I ever going to feel normal?……………...I need to clean…………….to make brownies or not make brownies?………….I wish I could resist all temptations…………..that’s frustrating…………..that was fun…………….let’s make that happen again……………am I setting myself up for failure?………….well that sucked……………..shit………………I just want to cry but I'm all out of tears……………..more laundry, sheesh………………everyone poops……………what on earth were they thinking?…………..I’d like to hear the thought process behind that one……………..shit………………….how did I get to this point???……………I’m so angry I could scream…………..I’ll just scream in my head………………….damn, that felt good……………my hands are dry……………where did I put that credit card statement? .......................damn dogs, you just went out 15 minutes ago! ...............why do all the people I love die? ......................I need to get groceries....................I’m all tapped out.

Fight dream

2010-06-02T09:53:00.002-05:00

I hate fight dreams. They always leave me feeling shaky and weak.

In this one "David" (who really didn't look like David) and I were all dressed up to go out to a fancy restaurant. For some reason, we were separated at the door and ended up eating at different tables but right next to each other. I couldn't order anything because I didn't have any money. When I asked him if he ordered for me, he said no.

A few minutes later, he left without me and I had to walk home. When I got there, he looked at me like, "What? Are you mad?" and I was!!! We argued and it ended with my saying that maybe we shouldn't be together.

And then I woke up.

I HATE these dreams because they seem so cruel. We had fights but they were never cruel.

Why am I dreaming them now????

Memorial Day +2

2010-06-01T09:54:00.002-05:00

I actually got through the weekend without shedding a bucket full of tears for the first time in two years!

My plan was to keep busy--to not think about years past. And it worked!

I finally had the energy to pitch a bunch of old Rubbermaid and Tupperware that was way past their usefulness. It was hard to see the remnants of tomato sauces past on them and remembering how David made THE BEST spaghetti sauces.

But they are gone now and I had room to move the food processor and big stand mixer to a cupboard.

Gone are all of the Gladware, except the new ones, the bent wok, the horrible Cook's Essentials frying pan that lost its non-stick coating the second time we used it, old cutting boards, the broken bread box, and several cookie sheets and pizza pans that were old and rusty.

I'll tackle the spice cupboard next and I think that one will be the hardest. There are so many things up there that haven't been touched since the last time David was there.

But I am determined to make this house MINE...or go insane, whichever comes first... :)

Stuck in first gear

2010-05-21T08:22:00.003-05:00

I'm stuck in first gear and going nowhere fast.

Friends all have made plans for the summer; one is going overseas, one is moving out of state for good and another is starting school.

Here I sit--the biggest thrill in my near future is cleaning my house over Memorial Day!

I look around and I see people going on about their daily lives and I feel like I am still stuck.

Am I asking too much of myself to have a new goal on the horizon? Is it too soon to start thinking about how *I* want to live MY life with David?

Is this why I feel like I am stuck in the same place????

That feeling of being overwhelmed is creeping up on me--where the hell is second gear???

Be careful what you wish for...

2010-05-18T07:57:00.002-05:00

because it may turn around and bite you in the ass!

A few months back, I wished that I was more busy at work.

Wish came true.

I get to work and I barely have enough time to get away from my desk and pee because everything has to be done NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!!

Feeling stressed, tired, irritated, bloated, angry and downright overwhelmed. Just like I did the few months after David died.

Wow....I still have such a hard time typing those words---David died. They still don't look right together.

*sigh* Back to the salt mine....

I HATE feeling stupid

2010-05-06T16:41:00.002-05:00

In January, I took on additional job responsibilities. Totally screwed the pooch by not having something done two weeks ago that should have been.

Didn't even know about it until today. The person that left me instructions did a lousy job and with Victor's passing, the department has been in a tizzy.

Now I feel like an idiot, even though I know I'm not.

This feeling just brings back all of the insecurities that surfaced when David died.

Why do I let some stupid little thing throw me into such a state???? I can have this done and distributed tomorrow morning but I still feel like I TOTALLY screwed up!

ARGH!!!!!!!!

Victor Lin

2010-05-05T09:43:00.002-05:00

Victor Lin passed away this morning after being taken off life support yesterday afternoon in Iowa City.

He had a heart attack and his brain was deprived of oxygen.

He was one of the nicest, most brilliant chemists I have ever met.

He will be missed.

I don't get it!

2010-04-29T08:30:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, this world just PISSES ME OFF!!!

Early Monday morning, one of the professors I work with was taken to the hospital. Only hours later, he was transferred to U of I Hospital and is now on life support.

He is only 43 years old.

He has a wife and 2 or 3 small children.

The professor was BRILLIANT! He was working on the nano-level targeting individual cancer cells. He is one of our best and brightest.

And we are about to lose him.

I had such high hopes that this year would be better than the last two. So far, I have been disappointed.

I have met so many wonderful women and men on this journey that it breaks my heart to know that very soon, we may be welcoming another one into our midst.

And this just PISSES ME OFF!!!

Another Benadryl dream

2010-04-27T12:35:00.002-05:00

You would think I would learn NOT to take Benadryl before bed considering the dreams it gives me.

Apparently I'm not a quick study--yet another dream about David.

In this one, I was staying at a hotel in St. Paul, MN. I was walking through the hotel and there was David. He said "Hi Booh" and I scowled at him and said he wasn't allowed to call me that anymore.

Apparently he'd run away with my ex-boyfriend's wife.

He wanted a chat a bit later and all I could was ask him over and over again why he left. I told him about having to put Cody to sleep ALONE. About how being alone SUCKED. And it was so unfair of him to fake his own death!

I never did get an answer from him on why. All he could think about was going to a drum corp show (or maybe it was a civil war reenactment) with his new girl.

I woke up crushed and the Benadryl went into the garbage can.

Entering the third year

2010-04-26T13:52:00.002-05:00

I have entered the third year of life without David.

I had great hopes that things would get better.

They aren't.

I still find myself thinking that he's just in the other room, or out getting something to eat, or away on business.

I hope that he'll come home so he can deal with the plumber who can fix the dripping bath tub faucet.

I hope that he'll come home the next time the dogs want to go outside and it is pouring.

I hope that he'll come home and make me his famous chicken stir fry, or a steak, or fried egg whites.

I hope that he'll just come home...period.

Happy 48th birthday

2010-04-20T12:19:00.003-05:00

Yesterday would have been David's 48th birthday.

I tried to be cheerful and smile.

It didn't work.

I spent most of the day at my desk bawling my eyes out when no one was looking.

I realized that I missed "Bahr birfday week" where I would hide cards all over the house for him to find.

I missed going out to dinner to celebrate with him.

I missed wishing him a Happy Birthday and kissing his whole face.

Instead, I filled myself full of mediocre Mexican food and tried to sleep.

That didn't work either. I think I only got about three hours worth.

When is this hurt going to stop????

His last smell

2010-04-14T09:48:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend, I had to clean the bath tub/shower.

As I removed items to clean the shelves, I saw his shampoo and conditioner still sitting there.

I get in that shower every morning and I forgot they were there.

My hand trembled as I opened the shampoo bottle and there it was--the smell of his freshly washed hair. I inhaled deeply and imagined for a moment that I was burying my head in his unruly curls.

The debate began--do I keep them here or is it time to let them go?

I stood, half in and half out of the bathtub, debating with myself on what to do. Now that I "knew" they were there, would I always stare at them when I showered? Would I have to open them daily and smell them?

I knew the answer and I poured them down the drain and tossed the empty bottles.

Two years

2010-04-07T13:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday marked two years since I lost David.

I was fine all day long; I got my hair colored. I had lunch with my cousin Karla.

I was fine when I got home.

At 3:30 in the morning, all hell broke loose.

I sobbed for hours.

I shook.

I couldn't breathe.

My chest hurt.

My heart hurt.

This morning I am better. I am home recuperating. I am drained.

Is every April 6th going to be like this?

What if it had been me?

2010-04-05T12:47:00.003-05:00

All weekend as I killed myself to clean my house, a thought kept drifting across my mind:

What if it had been me that died?
What would he be doing today?

Then in my mind's eye, I saw him. Sitting at the computer, typing away on something work-related while techno would be blasting through the cheap computer speakers. The house would have looked just the same--lived in. Dishes would have been piled in the sink (he HATED doing dishes) and the bed would be unmade.

The kitchen counter would have a permanent Kool-Aid stain from his concoction (sugar free tropical punch Kool-Aid and diet Mountain Dew) and there would be tomato sauce simmering on the stove for his dinner.

About midnight, he would stop working and would watch one of the political shows he'd taped during the week and enjoy his sweet night time snack.

When he is ready for bed, he looks up to the urn on the TV stand and says:
"I love you Booh. I miss you Booh."

That's what I saw. I wonder how close I was...

I will survive!

2010-04-01T10:44:00.003-05:00

Shamelessly borrowed from www.widowsvoice.com (and name edited):

I Will Survive ....

..... even though it did take two years for me to believe it.
I will.

.... even though it took two years for me to want to.
I will.

.... even though I still have days (sometimes weeks) when I'm knocked down by an unexpected wave.
I will.

.... even though I still have days (sometimes weeks) when I'm angry at David for leaving (yes, it's irrational, of course he wouldn't have chosen this, but who says grief is rational?) or at God for leaving me here without him.
I will.

.... even though I still have times when I can't stop thinking, "I cannot believe that this is my life".
I will.

.... even though I still have many, many times when I think, "This sucks."
I will.

.... even though I'm not the same person I was "before" and I miss him.
I will.

.... even though my heart is forever scarred.
I will.

.... even though I sometimes still physically ache from his absence.
I will.

.... even though I still can't quite picture my future without him.
I will.

.... even though this is the most difficult thing I have done in my entire life.
I will.

I. Will. Survive!

Zero balance

2010-03-30T08:33:00.005-05:00

Something happened a couple of weeks ago that still has me pretty shaken.

I had a ZERO balance in my checking account.

I haven't had a ZERO balance in YEARS!

The bank screwed up and fixed it pretty quickly, but seeing that balance has churned up a lot of bad memories.

Memories like getting paid and having only $20 left to buy groceries and gas for two weeks. Like eating potatoes and cheap hot dogs because I couldn't afford anything else.

It made me realize that I am truly on my own. There is no one else there to bring in any money and it was David who really made the money for us.

And when I think about that, it really hits me again that he's gone. And I am alone again.

And it just reminds me of how much I hate being alone... :(

Fourteen days

2010-03-23T14:28:00.002-05:00

Fourteen days

Fourteen days

My brain keeps reminding that April 6th is only

Fourteen days away.

Shut up brain! Do you think I would forget that?!?!

If time heals all wounds, why does this one still feel jagged and raw two years later?

Fourteen days...

Fourteen days.

I Still Miss You

2010-03-19T10:11:00.001-05:00

I Still Miss You

I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I don't know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you...... yeah.... yeah.....

Keith Anderson

Pesky dreams

2010-03-19T08:10:00.003-05:00

I have had MANY many dreams about David over the last few weeks.

Probably because I am thinking of that big anniversary lurking just weeks down the road. It will be two years on April 6.

Wow....two years.

I got through those first dark days, got through a major health scare and I am still here--living, breathing and being.

All of these dreams lately have one common theme: I keep trying to tell him that he is dead. Like it is my job to convince him that he isn't here anymore. Or is it that I am trying to convince MYSELF that he's gone?

Another new twist--I seem to get angry with him. I was furious because he cooked a fish fillet in a whole block of BUTTER! All I could see was red and think "you already had one heart attack. Do you want another?!?!"

I have to admit that I haven't been taking good care of myself. I've been living in a haze of take-away for the better part of the last two months. I'd been preparing for our Open Houses for prospective students. I have been exhausted since January and doing the drive-thru thing was just easier.

Maybe I need him to come and kick my ass to get it in gear?

Even though the dreams lately have been strange, it is good to see him because I still miss him with every breath I take.

Why can't I let it expire?

2010-03-09T16:14:00.002-06:00

I received this notice in my email box today:

"Once a semester, we review accounts of individuals who are no longer XXX State University faculty, staff, or students. Because our records indicate this applies to you, we are sending you this information regarding the upcoming suspension of your XXX State Net-ID, exxxxx@xxstate.edu.

We want to ensure that we don't mistakenly suspend anyone's account, so please take some time to review this and take any needed actions if our data is incorrect..."

I said the next time it came up for renewal, I would not do it.

I did.

His account is still active.

There are days...

2010-03-05T10:02:00.002-06:00

when I feel like I can do anything. I wake up after a good night's sleep, the dogs are playful, I eat a good breakfast and head out to work with a spring in my step.

And then there are days when the darkness just envelops me and I can barely function. Looking around, I see David everywhere and my chest tightens and I can barely breathe.

It happened last night when I took the dogs outside for the last time. I stood in the doorway of the garage and turned to see the lawn mower and snow blower sitting there. Then the tool bench and the patio table and chairs. All untouched, unmoved since the last time he was here.

That feeling of emptiness and loss just grabbed me and I let out a shuttering sigh and the waterworks began. I was crying so hard that I hadn't noticed that Brody and Darby has come back inside until they nuzzled my legs. They knew I was in pain.

Two years is just around the corner and the wound is still as raw and new as it was that day when he breathed his last breath.

I will never forget him or the times that we spent together but when will it stop hurting so much to carry this grief around???

David and Cody

2010-03-02T08:29:00.002-06:00

When I put Cody to sleep in December, I hoped that he would go and find David.

I had confirmation that he did on Friday night. They both came for a visit.

Cody looked like he did when he was a puppy; jumping around, happy to see me, giving me kisses and looking healthy.

David was babbling on about something; I could hear his voice but his lips weren't moving. He was talking and talking and talking. And I heard myself talking back in my sleep.

I knew why he was there--I'd had Open House Friday and it always leaves me drained and exhausted. It has always been a hard day for me physically and there he was to give me a hug...a BIG hug. And then I woke up.

I laid there for a couple of minutes and then the tears came. But they weren't unhappy tears--I felt good.

I could still feel his arms around me and to know that they are together again puts my mind a little more at ease.

The anger is back

2010-02-24T09:48:00.002-06:00

I have really been struggling lately and I was finding it very hard to put the emotions I am feeling into words.

Last night I realized what it is....I am angry, pissed off, livid...at David.

Watching "Ruby" last night, she visited with a guy who weighs over 500 pounds and he said that he wants to be around to live life.

It just struck me at that very moment that I will have to live the rest of my life without David. He won't be here to live HIS life anymore or to share mine with me.

When this guy started listing off what he ate in a day, all I could see was David doing the same thing--stress eating--gaining weight--putting additional pressure on his heart until it just quit working.

And being mad at him makes me feel guilty and then I feel bad and then I stress eat and it just goes round and round.

*sigh*

Another year around the sun...

2010-02-19T12:25:00.003-06:00

My birthday was Wednesday.

I took the day off work (despite the protests from some co-workers) and intended to have a really nice ME day. I thought I would get a hair cut, see if I could find a walk-in manicure, get some good chocolate from Stam and then go see a movie.

Yeah...right.

I ended up running errands all day long. Haircut, license renewed, treats for puppies picked up etc etc etc.

Given that I ran out of time for anything else, I thought I would enjoy a nice dinner.

Thwarted again.

The town was PACKED with people (basketball game). Ended up with a hamburger.

Happy effing birthday to me...BLECH.

Lost Without Your Love

2010-02-14T15:58:00.001-06:00

I LOVE XM Radio and the 70's channel. Every weekend, they replay old versions of American Top 40 with Casey Kasem. This weekend was from 1977. They played this and for today, Valentine's Day, I think it is appropriate.

Lost Without Your Love ~ Bread

Lost and all alone
I always thought that I could make it on my own
Since you left I hardly make it through the day
My tears get in the way
And I need you back to stay

I wander through the night
And search the world to find
The words to make it right
All I want is just the way it used to be
With you here close to me
I've got to make you see

That I'm lost without your love
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of
I'm as helpless as a ship without a wheel
A touch without a feel
I can't believe it's real...

And someday soon I'll wake
And find my heart won't have to break

Yes I'm lost without your love
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of
All I want is just the way it used to be
I need you here with me
Oh darlin' can't you see...
If we had love before
We can have it back once more

I love you and I miss you Bahr. Forever and ever.

Valetine's Day

2010-02-10T12:06:00.002-06:00

I have always HATED Valentine's Day. Even as a kid when we were FORCED to bring in a Valentine for every one of my classmates, I thought it was a pointless exercise. Seriously...aren't you supposed to give a Valentine to someone you like? I had many classmates that I couldn't stand yet there was a Valentine from me in their little basket.

BLECH!

This year, my hatred of this red, white and pink colored "holiday" seems especially nasty.

I don't get that you are supposed to go all out ONE day a year. Flowers, balloons, chocolates, dinner, nookie...and the other 364 days of the year, it doesn't matter!

Oh. Hell. No!

David and I told each other every day, many times a day in fact, that we loved each other. We didn't need a special day set aside just to do that. In fact, most years we ordered a heart-shaped pizza and watched a movie.

At this time last year, I was getting ready for surgery and trying to keep my wits about me through two hectic Open Houses for prospective graduate students. I really didn't have time to think about this dumb holiday.

This year, no matter where I turn, there it is--staring me in the face. And it is enough to make me want to retch!

Can I make like a groundhog and stay in my house until February 15?

Neglectful

2010-02-04T19:02:00.004-06:00

I have to apologize for the sporadic postings lately.

Things at work have gone into overdrive.

This is my busy time of year. I am training a student helper, trying to process over 400 applicant files, and prepare for two Open Houses.

And to make matters worse, I have had to take on MANY new, additional responsibilities due to a retirement.

So combine the new job with the old and busy job, I am really feeling out of control because I don't know what I am doing. And I am tired. And grouchy. And pissy.

I feel like I have run a marathon (or two) this week.

AHHHHHH!!!!!

There...much better! :)

A voice from beyond?

2010-02-02T16:03:00.002-06:00

A friend went to visit a psychic last week. Her cousin saw this lady over the summer and had come away with some pretty startling stuff.

Before she went, I told David that if he needed to tell me something to go and find D.

He did.

Here are some highlights of what she found out. It makes me happy to know that he and Cody are together again.

-------------------------------

Psychic: A visit—still feel presence, smell, remembering more removed looks like picture. He has visited you [D] and her [Lynette]. Huge white light, crushing. He’s saying, “I’m OK. I’m healed.” Fast, no time for goodbyes, working hard on his side to help her. Dog is with him. She [Lynette] feels so abandoned, he lays down with her at night.

He’s okay. Moving forward is difficult. She moves forward with him by her side.

Apologizes for dreams not realized in physical world.

Pointing at his solar plexus, leather belt maybe she saved it, wore it all the time?

He can help her and he does, supports her. Hard for her to maintain.

Thank you [D] for being good friend. He left her in good hands. He’s leaving and going right to her. She wanted you [D] to hear from him.

Apology, sure she is so loved. They were twin flames, more eternal than soul mates, mirror images. Still happening with them.

It’s okay for her to move into another relationship. She does have children, little girl, but maybe not her biologically but other persons. But she’s not sure she’s comfortable having someone else’s child.

He’s acknowledging loss of a good friend—you [D]. Funeral, [D] did something extra wonderful, thoughts you sent him.

“I’ll be back.” He was quite a character fun and funny. Incredible white light, doesn’t hurt. Important for his mom to know, too.

Arch angel Metatron when he passed. David asked, “Who are you?” then remembered him from passing before.

He’s had lots of lifetimes, always short.

15 years ago today

2010-01-27T11:00:00.002-06:00

Happy anniversary baby.
Got you on my mind.
Happy anniversary baby.
Always on my mind.

~Little River Band

My new babies

2010-01-23T19:00:00.003-06:00

Meet Brody and Darby.

I adopted them from an animal shelter this afternoon.

They will come home as soon as I have beds for them, probably Monday or Tuesday.

I hope Cody and David are smiling at my bravery taking on two...

Ice ice baby...

2010-01-21T19:04:00.003-06:00

My knee after my fall last night while trying to clear my driveway.

So today, I saw the doctor and had x-rays. Not broken, just bruised and strained. I stayed off of it all day and watched Netflix movies.

I was fine until I got to Angels and Demons.

I forgot that there was a whole storyline about CERN written into it and I made the mistake of watching the extra all about CERN.

And I have been blubbering ever since. The movie finished at 4:30 this afternoon.

I can still see him there behind his workstation, analyzing events. I see him at The Pit in the control room when they start running the beam. I can see the big smile on his face when he sees something good on the screen in front of him.

It has just all ganged up on me again. Another friend possibly facing cancer; the fall; my boss being a biaotch and acting like I fell on purpose to have a day off work and all it needed to come out was seeing CERN and knowing that once upon a time we were both there and happy and looking forward to a wonderful life together.

I just want to run away. I want to forget all of my problems and get on a cruise ship going to the furthest reaches of the Earth. Someplace where I don't have to think about anything.

Again I have to ask--when is this shit going to S T O P?!?!?!?!?!

Really down days

2010-01-19T11:27:00.002-06:00

I was so looking forward to a relaxing three day weekend...and it never materialized.

Instead, I had three really weepy, crappy, sleepless, grouchy, grumpy days.

And it seems today is not going to be any better.

I am taking tomorrow off to go with a friend for an out-patient surgery and everyone wants EVERYTHING done NOW NOW NOW NOW!

I had to leave my office at one point and go into the bathroom and do that silent scream thing.

To make matters worse, I was switched over to Outlook on Friday before I left and I am having a hard time getting used to using it.

Can't I just have more than one good day in a row...please???!?!?!?!?

6 words

2010-01-16T20:19:00.002-06:00

I am feeling off today but I took time out to catch up on my blog reading.

Widow's Voice has become one of my favorite and this post just struck me:

"I came across this article and video about "6 Word Memoirs" and how they put many people to test on what they would write. The history behind it was explained:

"The six-word memoir is said to be rooted in a bet between Ernest Hemingway and a friend — supposedly, the author claimed he could write a short story in just six words. (He won with “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.”)"

So after watching this, I figured to put myself to the test.

I won't lie, it's been a challenge to sum up so much happiness, grief, growth, setbacks, life and death in six words, but figured that in reality, six words is more then most of us get.

So here we go: Lived for life, died for love."

I posted my two:

I've loved deeply and lost greatly.

And

Me, You, We, Us, Me again.

Those about sum it all up, don't they?

Do they know?

2010-01-15T12:42:00.003-06:00

It's been a rough week for me--lots of ups and downs.

Earlier in the week, I was contacted by a friend of David's who said we needed to get together and have lunch to catch up. I've seen him a couple of times since the day of the funeral but I haven't seen him since last summer.

Whenever I think about M, I start to think about the days leading up to David's death and how we seemed to run into everyone we'd lost touch with.

We ran into my old boss at a grocery store in Des Moines and then M in a parking lot picking up a tux for an award ceremony. Two of David's old friends contacted him by email. Our last Friday night together, we spent with L and H, another couple we hadn't seen in some time. Our mechanic L spent a lot of time talking with David earlier in the week when he'd taken the car in for an oil change.

It is almost like they KNEW he was going and wanted to say goodbye. I can still see M's face at the funeral...the look you have when you are holding back a flood of tears and you need to get to someplace private before you explode. That look.

Something similar happened when my dad died; all of his bills and important papers were on the hutch together next to his check books. That never happened. He knew something was coming and gathered them together.

And my mom too; she put her jewelry box on top of her dresser and laid her favorite earrings and pin together on top of it. We knew she wanted them to go with her.

Do they know what's coming?

Bothered

2010-01-14T15:26:00.002-06:00

That dream has really affected me.

I can't stop thinking about it; about what I think he's trying to tell me.

And it bugs me!

Doesn't he understand I'm not ready to let him go yet?

Doesn't he see that I'm not strong enough to really say goodbye yet?

It has been a really bad day today; I spent most of my lunch hour in the bathroom stall trying not to scream through the tears. Nothing really bad happened--just one of those days where I really don't want to admit he's gone.

ARGH!!!!!!

Haunted by that dream

2010-01-10T17:30:00.002-06:00

All weekend, I have been "haunted" by that dream. It was one of the most vivid visit dreams I have had and it is really bugging me.

I have always intended to take David to Scotland and Ireland and find a beautiful place in each to let him rest. I plan to keep a small portion with me so that when I go, we can be mixed together.

I hope, if he is trying to tell me to get on with it, that he realizes that it is the middle of winter and I am not going anywhere! This is definitely a summer time activity and, unfortunately, it is going to have to wait awhile longer.

I am not ready to let him all go yet.

A message dream??

2010-01-09T17:01:00.003-06:00

Last night, I dreamed that David and I worked in the same office. He was fixing my computer and then he quit to go do something else. I asked where he was going and he said it was employee appreciation day and he was the organizer.

A couple of minutes later, I heard music and went to investigate and there was a band playing in the lunch room. David was at the back of the stage with a huge smile on his face. The music was great and a bunch of people showed up and we were all dancing around and having a good time.

When the music ended, I looked at the banner at the top of the stage to see their name because I thought they were really good and it was...ASHES.

Ok widow posse--I need your help with interpreting this! Is he trying to tell me that I need to do something with his ashes? Is he acknowledging that I am having a hard time deciding what to do with them?

Opinions?????

Cruise: days 3,4, and 5

2010-01-06T19:56:00.002-06:00

Day 3: Cozumel

Did the same thing I'd done for most of the cruise; found a comfy place to read. I did sit outside for quite awhile on my patio and watched the Trans-Caribe ferries come and go. There were two Carnival ships docked just across from us and it was really fun to watch the one leave. They turned that HUGE ship like it was on a turntable. Amazing. Played more trivia and won a camera case.

Found out late last night that my shore excursion in Ft. Lauderdale was canceled so I thought I was going to have to hang around the airport for 10+ hours. Got booked on the other excursion, air boating in the Everglades, which I am not really looking forward to.

Day 4: Christmas at sea

Slept late and took it easy all day. Packed early so that it was all done. Spent TONS of time outside just watching the waves. Played trivia again and won. The gal running it said that I should play the music trivia game that night at 10:15. I said it was too late cuz we had to be up so early the next day but that I would think about it.

Formal night dinner was great; the couple from Florida wore matching colored outfits--she wore a gorgeous red dress and he had on an awesome red vest.

Decided to go play the trivia game and ended up making it to the finals with 4 other people. Three of them went down with their first final question, leaving me and a guy in his 60's or early 70's. His tune was "Young at Heart" by the Bluebells, which he didn't know (but I did!) and the hostess looked at me and said if you get this right, you win. First few notes played and I said "Welcome Back Kotter" and who sang it? "John Sebastian"

YOU WON A CRUISE!

I don't think I breathed for a good two minutes! I thought I was going to win a canvas tote bag. This was wayyyy better!

Details: I can take any cruise comparable to this one and all I have to pay is my airfare and the single supplement.

Oh. My. God!

Day 5: docking and Ft. Lauderdale

Woke up at 5:30 and we were just entering the port harbor. Sat outside for awhile and just soaked up the warm air. Ate breakfast in the dining room and went to my departure lounge, the Alhambra Theater (at the front of the ship) to wait to be called. Just after 8, we were led up a huge flight of stairs, across the deck and down 4 long flights of stairs to the exit. A mile later (just kidding but it felt like that far), I was in the terminal with my luggage and on my way to the bus.

45 minutes later, I was in a scene from the movie Deliverance. All that was missing was the song Dueling Banjos. But, I have to say, the air boat ride was AWESOME! At one point, we were going sideways at about 70 miles per hour. Freeking cool! Saw two alligators, a heron, two iguanas and some funny looking black ducks. There was also an alligator wrangler in this little park-thingy and he had about 10 alligators in an enclosure with him. SCARY!!!!

Got to the airport at noon and had to sit outside security until 3:00. I was starving and all they had was a sandwich stand so I grabbed that and a banana and made due.

On the plane at 6:15; in Atlanta and on another plane at 9:45; back in Des Moines by 11:00 pm. It was snowing like crazy and the limo driver said not to worry, he liked driving in it. I closed my eyes most of the way home!

I was scared to do this alone but it turned out to be one of the best things I have ever done for myself. It proves that I can be just a "me" and that not being part of a "we" anymore is okay.

I will survive!

Cruise: days 2 and 3

2010-01-05T08:18:00.003-06:00

Day 2 Belize City, Belize

We arrived early in Belize City and we were docked so far away from the coastline that you could not even see the tender dock! I thought about just going ashore for a couple of minutes and then I saw how choppy the water was and decided against it. I don't get seasick easily but I wasn't going to take the chance. So again, most of the day was spent reading and relaxing. Talked with all my table mates who went ashore and they said it reminded them of Nassau Bahamas. I wasn't impressed with Nassau so I am glad I stayed on board.

Played the first of my many musical trivia games at 5:15. This one was TV tunes and I won a really nice travel wallet.

Day 3 Costa Maya

Been here and done that before. It looks a little bigger than the last time I was here but still not much more than a swimming pool and a few shops. Again, stayed on board and read my book. 816 pages and I was close to being finished with it. Went shopping when we left port and bought another book and some Jelly Babies and a Cadbury Christmas box with all sorts of candy bars I can't get in the US. I am ADDICTED to the Cadbury Flake bar!

Played more musical trivia at 5:15; today's topic was movie tunes. We missed winning by one question!

Pre-night and first day of cruise

2010-01-03T09:47:00.002-06:00

"Land is where your cares are and your responsibilities are. And on the ship, you are about to go out to sea then they stay there and you are here."--Samantha Brown

4:30 came WAYYYYY too early but I am glad that I got to the airport as early as I did; there was a HUGE line at the Delta check-in counter. Of course, the automated check in kiosks weren't working, hence the line, so it took me almost an hour to get checked in. Several people didn't make their flights because of that line but I did. :)

Flights to Ft. Lauderdale through Atlanta went very smoothly and I have to say that I like the way Atlanta Hartsfield airport is set up. Nice train goes between the concourses and I am glad I asked for a two hour layover. I grabbed lunch at Chili's and watched the snow storm hit the east coast on CNN.

As we flew into FTL, we flew over the port and it was on my side of the plane. I got to see several ships in port, including Oasis of the Seas, which I will be on in October. It looks FANTASTIC!!!

Got to the hotel about 1:00 and got a room that faced the port. After grabbing an early dinner at the hotel (they make a great brick fired oven pizza), I watched four ships depart port which was awesome! I repacked my carry-on for the morning and headed to bed.

In the morning, the hotel has a breakfast buffet that is included with your room so I grabbed some stuff and ate in my room because the patio area was packed with basketball players. They were there for a tournament and then they were taking a cruise. Took my stuff downstairs early, which turned out to be a good thing. I had a nice chat with the bus driver, who was from Cuba originally, and I got a good seat on the bus. It was a good thing I went early because there were several people who had to wait a half an hour for an elevator. By the time we left, the hotel was down to two working elevators from an original 5!

Once at the port, check in was a breeze and then we waited in chairs...and waited...and waited. Finally an announcement was made that on the last cruise, there were several cases of Norovirus and because of this, they were cleaning and sanitizing the ship from top to bottom. They said they hoped to have us onboard by 2:00, which was 2 hours away. No problem--read my book and relaxed. Once on board, I grabbed a quick bite and waited to get into my room. Once there, I grabbed my life jacket for the drill and headed to the Schooner Bar, which was closed to my lifeboat station. As I enjoyed my first fruity umbella drink, an annoucement was made that you no longer needed to bring your life jacket. So at the drill, I was the ONLY non-crew member with a life jacket. I laughed and told people I didn't get the memo... :)

I chose to sit at a big table for dinner and I met a young newlywed couple from NW Iowa close to where I grew up, a couple from Australia (that didn't come back for the rest of the cruise) and later, an Asian family who didn't speak much English (they didn't come back either). Sail away happened while we were eating so I didn't get to enjoy that.. :(

Sunday was our first day at sea and it was glorious! It was overcast and a little cool but still better than the 10 degrees I left behind! I spent most of the day exploring the ship and shopping. My tradition is to purchase a new perfume on every cruise I take. Last July, I discovered that Kenzo made a new fragrance called Amour. I LOVED it and bought a small bottle. This cruise, I got a BIGGER bottle of Amour and also their new one called L'eau Par.

I spent the rest of the day relaxing and reading. At dinner, we had new people: a retired couple from Florida and a family (mom, dad, two sons) from Kentucky. After dinner, I spent time on my balcony before hitting the hay.

A decade in review

2010-01-01T12:15:00.003-06:00

A friend posted a decade in review on her Facebook page and I thought I would follow her lead.

Positive events from 2000-2009:

1. Received my MA in Medieval History.
2. Resigned from a job I hated and got a better job.
3. Adopted Cody.
4. Traveled to England and France.
5. Traveled to Missouri and Ohio (on business) and found the graves of my g-g and g-g-g grandparents.
6. Added many branches to the family tree.
7. Bought two iPods, two DVD players, two digital cameras and two mobile phones.
8. Paid off two student loans.
9. Took five cruises.
10. Joined Netflix.
11. Survived cervical cancer!
12. Paid off all of our credit card bills.
13. Made MANY new friends and reconnected with many old friends.
14. Had a hysterectomy in March of 2009 and I feel better than I have in years!
15. Lost 100 pounds!

And not-so positive events:
1. Lost my husband and soul mate David in April of 2008.
2. Lost Cody on December 2, 2009.
3. Went through two long hospitalizations alone.
4. Was diagnosed with cervical cancer February of 2002.
5. Someone ran into me in a parking lot and told my insurance company I slid into them.
6. Regained 50 of the 100 I lost.

The positives are longer than the negatives, which I would normally think was good, yet the negatives made much more of an impact on my life.

I am asking all the Gods listening that you make 2010 and this new decade better for me and for all of my friends and family.

New Year's Eve 2009

2009-12-31T08:49:00.003-06:00

It is FINALLY here...the end of 2009. And I am VERY glad to see this year GO AWAY!

If experiencing the second year of being without David wasn't enough, I also lost Cody, my girlie bits, dealt with a bat in the house (and many more in the chimney) and had a minor car accident.

On the brighter side, I went on two cruises, met many new wonderful friends, reconnected with lost friends (thank you Internet!), saw my sister for the second time in two years (a record for us), and was able to make many needed repairs to the house.

In year's past, David and I would try to find someone broadcasting Hogmany. This year, I'll work, grab some supper and head home. I'll watch some tv and then head to bed. Wow...an exciting night to be sure.

So everyone---HAPPY 2010! May it bring us all a little more peace, a little more joy and a little less heartache!

XOXO

Home Alone

2009-12-28T18:44:00.003-06:00

I'm back from an absolutely WONDERFUL cruise over the Christmas holiday.

I have to say that coming home this time was incredibly hard. There was NO ONE to meet me and that really hit me about a mile from my front door. I held in the wave of tears I could feel just waiting to spill out until I was inside and then the waterworks began...and continued for awhile.

I held Baby Fuzz, jingled Cody's collar and put on David's sweatshirt.

For a brief minute, they were still here with me.

He faked it!!!

2009-12-18T12:06:00.002-06:00

David faked his death!!!!!

Well, in my dream he did.

He needed to get away and have time to think about his life.

One of my friends discovered he was still alive and we went to find him.

I remember being in a room alone with him and just staring at him, wondering how in the world he could have faked that heart attack. And WHY???!?!?!

I know I asked him if his life with me was so bad that he had to fake his death to get away. Other than that, I don't remember what else was said. I just remember feeling angry and betrayed.

Heck of a way to start out the holidays, eh?

Cody came home...

2009-12-16T18:47:00.002-06:00

for the last time today. I picked up his cremains.

And it just makes it so final--just like when they brought David home.

The vet hospital made a paw print and labeled it CODY 1999-2009.

I stopped breathing...

2009-12-16T13:17:00.002-06:00

when I saw the shadow of someone walking into the outer office. The shadow was the same size and height as David and for the briefest moment I thought he was going to walk into my office, take me into his arms, and tell me the last almost two years has been just a dream.

It was not to be; the guy just kept walking and I started breathing again.

The perfect Christmas

2009-12-14T19:18:00.003-06:00

I come from a small immediate family; mom, dad, and one sister. But on the holidays, the whole extended family (cousins, aunts, uncles, friends) would get together at someone's house--usually Grandma and Grandpa's. Food, cards, football, more food...it was wonderful.

Slowly but surely, the senior members of our family passed away and these gatherings stopped.

When I met David and I found out he came from a family of ELEVEN kids, I was in heaven. I imagined that Christmas would go something like this:

We'd travel a few days before Christmas to his mom and step-father's house, which would be a big old farmhouse. There would be a rivalry on who could arrive first to get the best place to sleep. Pulling up the long drive, there would be a lighted tree in the front yard and garland on the porch. We'd be lucky enough to score the little room with the fireplace.

That first night would be reserved for baking pies and cookies. Board games would appear and the kids would be kept busy with a Super Nintendo and Mario Cart.

There would be shopping trips for last minute gifts, snowball fights and snowman building and, of course, FOOTBALL.

Christmas Eve we'd all bundle up and go to the midnight candlelight service and open one present when we returned home. Christmas Day would bring more presents, football, food, food and more food, naps, and more food.

I know...a little Norman Rockwell right?

Unfortunately, this never happened because David's family was not close. He was the middle child that didn't belong with the older kids or the younger kids. They all got together in their little group and it was just our little family left to celebrate together.

This year, it is back to being just me. And if I could have one wish, other than having David and Cody back, it would be to have a Christmas like I used to have.

Things that made me cry this week

2009-12-12T23:54:00.004-06:00

1. Being sick and not having my Bahr to hold me.

2. Seeing a couple with two young Shelties trying to get the dogs onto a sled to go down the hill.

3. Watching Dr. Who and seeing K-9.

4. Knowing that in a week I will be on a cruise without David.

5. Watching 15" of snow fall and and realizing I would have to drive in it.

6. Seeing other dogs playing in that snow and not seeing Cody doing the same.

7. Being jealous that David and Cody had each other now and I am alone.

8. Realizing the only reason I have to get out of bed is to go to a crappy job.

9. It's A Wonderful Life, David's favorite Christmas movie, on tv all week.

10. Feeling so tired that my teeth ached.

Support group in heaven?

2009-12-11T19:11:00.003-06:00

I have had a couple of weeks from hell and today while I was at work, I started thinking about what is happening where David is.

I pictured a room filled with chairs in a community center. People slowly filter in. Some grab a cup of coffee from the back of the room, some just take a seat and look at the floor. The chairs fill up and someone walks to the front of the room and clears their throat to get the attention of those assembled.

"Good morning everyone. I'm glad that you are all here today. Does anyone want to share?"

A tall man with dark curly hair stands and takes a deep breath.

"Hi. My name is David and I left my beautiful wife Lynette on April 6, 2008...."

Then the spouses of all the new friends that I have met on this journey stand and share their stories too.

I guess I'd like to think that they have all made friends so that none of them is alone on the other side.